The Search for Freedom

Avoiding the eyes of people, avoiding gossip, and avoiding the things that made me remember the sin I committed. I avoided the attack of conscience, though it was unavoidable.

The gossipers surpassed the market, the news outpaced the virus, people's eyes vanquished the juries, and everything conquered the one being pursued by death when avoiding me. However, nothing could outpace my family. Because even if the strongest hurricane struck, they would never abandon me, and I was grateful to some people who were willing to sacrifice their happiness for someone they cared about. I was sitting on my chair inside our classroom and looking at the door, but I had slipped into a reverie when I saw someone. Someone who has made me fall in love since the first day of school.

Jayne Salvador, our beautiful teacher, entered the room. She was in a collared white shirt and jeans, though she was still beautiful in whatever clothes she would wear, even if she would wear undergarments. She had a high nose, white skin, kissable lips, high eyelashes, and thin eyebrows. Plus her long banded hair, lovely form with high, rounded, firm breasts, a small waist, curving hips, and shapely legs.

No man would not fall in love with her, but the painful part was that everyone knew she broke every man's heart and also mine. It was impossible that a beautiful woman like her was single. It has been many months since I started falling in love with her. I hoped to grow up soon so that I could court her. I always showed her my flirty smile, but she avoided making eye-to-eye contact with me.

Though she wasn't showing any sign that she loved me too, I was contented with what I could get. Whatever it was, the broken heart would heal. The most important thing was that I was happy with what I did. And I could lose anything for love rather than live an arid, sad, cynical, skeptical, and irritable life in the world.

I remembered the text that I had read. I always read that book in our house, in school, on the riverbank, on grassland, or anywhere. We were poor, and I couldn't buy any books. So I was reading the one and only book that told me that "Because the more our life was one of love, the more it was sweet, poetic, and painless; or else it was accompanied by sacrifices that increased the love and made one experience the delight of weeping in peace."

"The life of love was an interlacing, a poetic crown of sweet sorrow, of sad beauty, of poetry of sorrow and of sacrifice, and this succeeds in being dear, almost sighed for."

"Of all your loves, seek those that are more noble. The more sublime the object loved, the nobler the love itself. The more noble the faculty from which love emanates, the sweeter the love."

"How hateful was a life without love. The earth and men seem ungrateful. The sun is cold, and death seems to be the only good that ends all pain."

Teacher Jayne sat down and put her things on the desk. She started checking our attendance. While she was mentioning the names of my classmates, I noticed that France was absent, but teacher Jayne said that she already knew the reason why he was absent.

"Everyone, please keep quiet and listen to me. I will tell you why Mr. Lim is absent today," teacher Jayne said.

Some of my classmates started talking about their sulking, though our teacher hadn't yet told them the reason why my friend was absent. They were saying that our teacher was so unfair because she excused France, though even if they were absent, she would really mark them as absent.

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My classmates stopped talking and listened intently to what teacher Jayne had to say because she said those words in such a pleading tone. They wanted to take note of every word that she wanted to say.

"How can I start this?" She thinks about where to start. "Your classmate, Mr. France Lim, is absent today because"

I was surprised when I heard teacher Jayne say that France's mother was dead! Dead! Many times in my head, the word "dead" repeats itself.

"Dead, dead, dead?" was the sound made by my classmates.

"So what kind of excuse is more eligible to be marked as an excuse and not an absence in our class?" Teacher Jayne asked. "If you're not believing me, then let's go there tonight to convey our condolences to your classmate." Motherfcker. I hoped that my inference wasn't real. France Lim was my only best friend. I would be empty if he'd gone. I would be more alone in the world. What kind of life did I have? Why would the universe get everything from me? What did I do wrong? Please forgive my sins! I wanted to live a peaceful life.

I tried to calm myself. There was still a big chance for your inference to be false. Perhaps I could visit my friend after the class to convey my condolences and to prove that my inference wasn't true. I couldn't get peace of mind if I didn't make sure of something, and my conscience wouldn't let me sleep if it happened.

Teacher Jayne continued checking our attendance. I replied with a cold "present" when she mentioned my name. I could not smile in a flirty way anymore.

"Mr. Ward, are you okay?" teacher Jayne asked.

I replied with a cold "I'm fine." Then my classmates stared at me.

Perhaps they noticed that I was frail. They only knew a robust boy named Lil. But I wasn't doing anything wrong with them anyway. I didn't care what they would think. as long as I wasn't hurting anyone.

Many hours passed, and I was still sitting on my chair, thinking about my friend, whom I knew was bereaved by his mother's death. Another hour elapsed, and the class was finally over.

As usual, my classmates were crowded at the door of the classroom. It had been a month, but they hadn't learned how to take it slowly. I had been hoping that everything could be done in a slow way so that we could not hurt anyone because of our haste.