Love You Can’t Say

He pursed his lips, and he seemed a little embarrassed, “So, are you going to use your own?”

“What else needs to be done?” He sighed, a little helpless.

“Yes!” We were grown-ups. Besides, I had given birth to a baby myself. Looking at Dennis, I said, “When the baby got out in natural birth, I naturally produced milk at first. But later my baby was gone, and without the baby’s stimulation, there was no prolactin secretion, so I stopped producing milk naturally.”

He frowned, “So, you are doing this by yourself?” He seemed a bit upset, “What did you take last night?”

I told him the truth, “Medicine that helps with promoting lactation.”

“The doctor said, with massage and other methods…” I pursed my lips but didn’t say anything else.

“Massage and other methods?” He suddenly sneered, “Massage yourself? Then what are you going to do with other methods?” His words were full of sarcasm.

I was angered, “Dennis, what are you implying?”

He became quiet and did not speak anymore.

After a long time, I said, “The child was born prematurely, in poor health, and without breast milk. Now the child is three months old, but it looks like a newborn. Dennis, I was an orphan when I was a child, and my grandmother raised me – It was my luck. Now that my grandmother and Diana are gone, but Diana entrusted her child to me, and what I have to do is to do my best to protect her.”

I didn’t know how to love others, and I didn’t know how to accept others’ love, either. But I knew that love had another expression called “give them the best”.

Because of love, I put myself in their shoes. This child was like this for me. I would give her all the best I could.

Dennis looked at me with depth and complexion in his eyes, “What about me? To you, am I not even an important person? Hank has left you with regrets, what about me? What am I to you? Am I your dispensable husband?”

What Dennis ever wished for, in fact, which I had always known, was just to feel needed by me and to be held dear by me.

The lights in the bedroom were dim and gloomy, but his eyes were extraordinarily bright. We looked at each other, but I couldn’t say anything for a while.

After a long time, he let go of me, took two steps back in frustration, hooked his lips mockingly, and was relieved.

“Fine, Clara. Whatever.” Seeing him turn to leave, I reached out and grabbed him.

I couldn’t speak out the feelings in my heart, but the action was almost subconscious, “I want to put you first than anyone else, but I’m more afraid that one day I can’t live without you, that you would suddenly walk away.”

He looked back at me with the eyes of depth, “So, you’ve been ignoring all my feelings? You hold everyone else dear in your heart, but only hurt me?”

I shook my head, looking at his eyes only to feel a little uncomfortable, “No, I never mean to hurt you, but I’m feeling too insecure, I’m afraid you would leave me, I fear you don’t want me!”

He was surprised, his tall and slender body stiffened slightly. Then he reached out and hugged me, a little awkward, “Silly!”

He hugged me for a while, and I leaned against his chest. His voice was low and restrained, “We might still fight with each other in the future, but we won’t get divorced or part from each other, Clara, I would never let go of you. I am always yours.”

I didn’t speak, I was too stupid to know how to handle this marriage.

…

It was the end of the year, and most companies were on annual leave now. So Dennis didn’t have anything to do.

Nanny Daisy was not going to stay with us for the new year celebration, so it would just be Dennis and me this year.

I brought Dennis to the YT Apartment. Luis Collins’s company was still busy and Alex was taking care of Clarie Bear.

Alex opened the door, and he saw Dennis and me. He was a bit surprised, but later he said to us calmly, “Clarie Bear just fell asleep.”

I nodded, walked in, and said, “Was she doing okay last night?”

“Not bad at all!” Saying so, he glanced at Dennis quickly and looked away.

Thinking back to how he was like in college, I turned to look at Dennis and said, “This is Alex, my schoolmate from college. You might have heard about him before.”

Alex gave me a stare, and said with an awkward smile on my face, “Mr. George, nice to meet you!”

Dennis spoke, “Likewise!”

Dennis acted indifferent and distant. So Alex went straight to check on Clarie Bear after greeting Dennis.

I took Dennis and followed Alex into Clarie’s bedroom. The little guy drank some formula milk and fell asleep already.

Dennis looked at Clarie Bear in a trance, raised his hand, and was about to touch the child, but took it back eventually.

Probably all men were like this, and they would be at a loss when facing a newborn.

Alex collected the Clarie Bear’s clothes and put them in the laundry room. He looked at me and said, “Do you still need to take medicine today?”

I felt a bit awkward immediately. I looked at Clarie’s tiny body, nodded, and said, “Sure!”

Alex looked at Dennis, raised his brows, and left the room – He saw that Dennis was concentrated on looking at the baby.

There was only Dennis and me in the room now. He looked at Clarie Bear extremely attentively. It had been a while before he looked at me and said, “Was it Mario’s?”

I didn’t expect that he would suddenly say something like that, which startled me, and I quickly shook my head, “No…”

When I met his deep gaze, I couldn’t help but lower my head. I was about to say something but gave up in the end.

“Does Mario know?” Dennis continued. His slender fingers gently touched Clarie’s cheek.

“No, he doesn’t!” I guess Dennis had somehow figured it out. It would be too contrived for me to continue hiding it.ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

He nodded, looking at the baby with a smile – He was such a beautiful man. “Later we should ask Mr. Thomson to get ready. We are taking the baby to the city hall and changing her legal last name. And after that, let’s bring her home during the new year so the George seniors can officially meet her.”

I didn’t know how to react for a while, so I couldn’t help but stare at him blankly. Seeing that I was distracted, he pursed his lips, “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head, “Nothing!” But I felt warm inside my heart.

I hesitated for a while before I said to him, “Dennis, thank you!” Taking care of Clarie Bear was just what I should do. But it seemed that Dennis had already seen the baby as his own and had thought everything through for me.

Alex prepared the medicine and handed it to me. My stomach felt a little nauseous just looking at it, but it was just something I had to take.

I swallowed the medicine with water. And Alex added, “The doctor says the medicine works better with massages. If necessary, you can ask for help.”

Alex was stating a fact, but somehow it sounded inappropriate. He looked at Dennis, shut up, and left the room.

Dennis looked at me and pursed his lips, “Taking too much medicine isn’t good for your health.”

I nodded, my eyesight fell on Clarie Bear, and said, “I am going to the hospital in a while.”

“I will go with you!” Dennis spoke.

I was about to turn him down. But for some reason, Clarie burst into tears all of a sudden.

I wasn’t good at taking care of babies, so I didn’t dare to hold her up. I hurried out to find Alex.