Ex-Husband's Regret

My heart stops as fear that she’s remembered everything crashes into me.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Ava; I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong,” I plead with her.

More tears continue falling down her face. Pain and hurt shadow her eyes. It literally breaks my fucking heart to see her like this.

“I had a memory,” she begins before she starts laughing like she’s insane. “You know, I wanted to fuck you; I wanted to sleep with you; I even talked myself into talking to you about it because I wanted you so much. When I saw you jerking off in the shower, I wanted to join you. I even imagined myself giving you a blow job while you cummed on my chest.”

I frown, but stay quiet. Something told me that something had happened. That I wasn’t going to like what she had to say next.

“Here, I was horny for you, craving you, when my mind had to remind me of something that you said,” she hiccups. “You want to know what it was?”

I didn’t, because I knew it would destroy the small progress we had made, but I nodded none the less.

“You tried being a decent fuck, but you weren’t even good at that. Every time I was inside you, it’s Emma I wanted,” she tells me, her voice catching. “Does it ring a bell?”

My heart completely shatters because I remember the words very clearly. The words that I flung at her because I wanted to hurt her for hurting Emma.

“The funny thing is, here I was horny for you when, in reality, you don’t really want me. I’m nothing but a slut to be used as a substitute. Why did you sleep with me if you didn’t want me, Rowan? You could

have gone and gotten yourself a mistress; it would have hurt, but I would have preferred that to being used to satiate your desire for Emma.”

The pain in her voice is my undoing. I knew those words would come back to bite me in the ass, but when I yelled them at her, I was so pissed that it didn’t hit me that I’d said them until it was too late and I couldn’t take them back.

“It isn’t like that?” I murmured, not able to look into her eyes. I was ashamed of saying those words. I still am.

“Then how was it? Weren’t those your words? Weren’t you the one who said them? Not once did I point a gun at your head and force you to sleep with me. Hell, when we got married, I didn’t expect us to have a sexual relationship, and I told you that. You’re the one who always came to me. You’re the one that sought me out. If you knew that you didn’t want me, then why sleep with me? Why use me? Why degrade me like that? You should have just left me alone, Rowan.”

She cries harder, her tears staining her cheeks. I go to touch her, to wipe her tears away, but she flinches away from me.

“Ava…” I want to say something and explain it to her, but I don’t know how to do that.

“Please leave,” she whispers, standing up. “I can’t stand to look at you or be anywhere near you. If I’d known what you thought of me, I would have asked for a divorce and left you. I don’t deserve how you treated me or how you used me.” Copyright Nôv/el/Dra/ma.Org.

The words break my heart, knowing very well that she did ask for a divorce. She did leave me, and if I can’t get her to forgive me, then I will lose her for good.

“Listen to me; please listen…‘

“I told you to fucking leave! I don’t want to fucking see your face,” she yells, anger clear in her voice

Before I can react, she pushes me out of the bathroom and then shoves me out of the bedroom before locking the door. I stand in the hallway, staring at the door. After a while, I leave and walk to the guest bedroom.

Sitting on the bed, I wonder why I didn’t speak up… But then, how could I explain it to her? Would she even have listened?

I was back to square one, and I wondered if anything was ever going to change. Was it too late for us? Was the damage already too great to be fixed?

For the first time in my life, I cried. I cried because, after what just happened, I couldn’t see a silver lining. I couldn’t see Ava ever forgiving me.